Chapter
1:
Simply
amazing!
Kai!
The
way small madam and her bobo dey fire gun for her papa and mama bed ehn, chai!
The sounds dem dey make alone sef dey give me kongi for my duty post talk less
of when I dey watch the live blue film from my artificial cinema – the brick
arranged delicately on my ragged bench directly overlooking the room. No wonder
say at my age I dey wake up with, er...wetin dem dey call am again? Yes! 'Wet
dreams'! Na so! My potential pikin go dey pour waste comot for my thing. The only
time wey I come want make e work – when I nack my girlfriend apako to give am belle,
so she no go run away with that yaga yaga Yoruba yahoo boy, Mutiu, – e no work
o!
Every
morning I wake up with the same palaver: which side of bed Oga go wake up?
Walahi! My life go simple if I just know which side. Na the side e wake up dey
determine the car which I suppose wash and which one I no suppose wash; the
height of the flower I suppose cut; what
time I suppose on the generator; even when I suppose wake for morning. I
remember the day wey he fight with big madam wey she lock am outside the house.
Ha-ha, yeye man, I no fit laugh. That night sha, na inside Jeep he sleep and by
the time me wake up for 6am say make I go on generator, instead of make
generator on, na Oga dirty slap light my face. All the vex wey he vex from
night till morning na im e pour for my face. When I ask am wetin I do, he talk
say I wake up for six, say shey I no know say e too early? Say na so my waka
for early morning dey disturb am like alarm wey e no fit kill. The day after
that day, I wake up for six-thirty, e talk say me I wake up too late, say I no
make am ready for meeting he get for eight o’clock. He come tell Caro, the
house girl, say make she no give me food till evening. Chai! I don suffer! Abeg
wetin be the difference between six and six-thirty. Tsk-tsk. Anyway sha, na God
wan kuku punish am, na why He give am bad pikin be that.
I
dey always hear say only pikin dey spoil, I no believe am till I see the
wonders my little madam dey perform. At eighteen, her bed don spoil finish sote
na her parents bed she dey use do stadium. From one small boy to another; from
Carrot Jeans to Boot-cut boy, she just dey change them like cloth for body. The clothes she dey
where nko? Clothes wey fit make babalawo curse himself; wey fit make Reverend
Father forget holy creed; wey fit make mad man well; wey fit make Senator
forget im salary and allowance; wey fit make Dame speak correct oyinbo; wey even
fit make my Oga almost forget say na him be her papa. Clothes wey fit make me,
Kundili, piss for body. Kasa! I still fit remember that day very well, why I no
go remember the day wey change my life forever, na my room I dey jeje dey
listen to that small boy wey name im album after woman toto. Just wait; no make
your blood hot, I go reach there very soon.
But
I don try for my small madam o! Na me dey help am with all the party she dey do
for house. Na me be DJ, cleaner, bouncer, even the comedian sef na me. Abi dem
think say I no know when dem go dey laugh me and my oyinbo. Waka! Anyway, na
the money she dey pay me I dey use buy extra Claro and Ogogoro for Mama Sikira
Joint. So two cut two, me no need vex. Some of her friends dey make me vex
sometimes, especially that her last bobo,
the one wey put me for kasala wey big pass my head, Benson. Dem no know how
important I be to Tonto. Na me dey help her enter house for midnight when she
come back from party for town. Na me dey clean her vomit and her Moto before im
mama and papa wake up for morning. If no be for me, Oga and big madam for done
kill her finish. But if I know wetin she be wan use me do for that day, I for hold
my piss say no sharp sharp. See my life now, na inside one cold room wey dey
smell of piss I dey, dey count my broken eggs.
That
day, wey I piss for body; wey small madam turn me to nonentity, ‘scallywag’
like Oga dey call am, I dey my room dey enjoy the only time for day I fit enjoy
– afternoon, when I hear ‘koko koko’ for my door. I say ‘who is it’, she say
‘Tonto’. I stand up sharp sharp say ‘come in’ with shock for my face. With all
the parole wey we dey do, she never come my room before. But as she enter all
that comot for my mind; ma body turn leaf for harmattan season – stiff, crunchy
and shaky like er…co-o-ornflakes. My body cold for outside, my blood dey hot
for inside. I no even know when sweat begin comot for my body as my heart no
gree rest like antelope wey Lion dey chase for back. She where those her red ‘kokoka’
shoe with the bottom of her skirt close to her waist like politicians dey to
money – dangerously close.The only thing I fit talk for her top be say I fit
see two pointy things dey shoot out for am. I no need see any other thing
before my mouth begin misfire as I say ‘W-w-what do you want’. She no even
answer me, she just dey near me with her witchcraft eyes wey fit turn Einstein
to mumu, until I start to dey feel my piss dey run for my sokoto. By the time
she finish raping my shaky-shaky lips, the only thing wey remain for my brain
na – nothing. Nothing! Na me tell you! Na like say she give me jazz, because I
no remember anything after that. For something wey I suppose put for mind till
I go die – me, the girl of my dreams, one bed – all I remember na torn clothes,
my John Thomas rising and we falling.
Falling
we did, but the next day’s sun rising I no see for Senator and Mrs Dike’s house
or anywhere wey fit resemble house o!
H’m,
guess where I dey now.
Yes!
Correct!
Prison.
©
@IdiAce
Follow
on twitter: www.twitter.com/IdiAce
No comments:
Post a Comment